Of Heroes and Hotties in The Mummy

(For a certain friend of mine, for any woman measuring up a man, and for all the boys who like boys.)

Looking for a good man? Let the heroes and hotties of The Mummy help you identify him. Just ask yourself these questions about your potential hunk.

1.Is he willing to do anything whatsoever for the woman he loves?
“For his love, Imhotep dared the gods' anger by going deep into the city, where he took the Black Book of the Dead from its holy resting place.” And then “he was condemned to endure the hom-dai , the worst of all ancient curses; one so horrible it had never before been bestowed.” He risked and lost. And was then sentenced to be “an undead for all of eternity.” Now that is commitment!

2.Is he honest even to a fault?
When asked by Evy why he kissed her, O'Connell admits simply, “I was about to be hanged. It seemed like a good idea at the time.” And when Evy storms off, he's oblivious about why she is angry. You can't fault a man for being honest, can you?

3.Does he know the value of a good woman?
O'Connell very subtly admits Evy's great value when he explains to Jonathan that he probably could have gotten their camels for free by simply giving Evy to the trader. On the surface, this seems like an insult. But the look on O'Connell's face and the tone of his voice belie his true feelings.

4.Is he an old-fashioned gentleman?
Every lady wants a gentleman, whether she knows it or not, whether she notices or not.
O'Connell: You're in her seat.
Beni looks at O'Connell and chuckles.
O'Connell: Now.
Beni hops up and leaves.
Evy sits down chattering about scarab skeletons.

5.Is he brave through and through, perhaps to the point of cockiness, recklessness?
Ardeth Ray: I told you to leave or die. You refused. Now you may have killed us all. For you have unleashed the creature that we have feared for more than three thousand years.
O'Connell: Relax, I got him.
Ardeth Ray: No mortal weapon can kill this creature. He's not of this world! [...] We must now go on the hunt and try and find a way to kill him.
O'Connell: I already told you I got him.

And for extra credit:
Does he maintain his rugged good looks by keeping his teeth pearly white regardless of... anything?
I love a man of good grooming. He doesn't need to be a metrosexual, or fit any other trendy monicker. He just needs to maintain a basic level of hygiene. And the heroes and hotties of The Mummy apparently do. O'Connell, Jonathan, and Ardeth Ray cross the Sahara repeatedly, do time in a Cairo jail, deal with biblical plagues, and fight off and outwit powerful mummies, all the while complementing their handsome faces with bright white smiles.

Either You're In, or You're Out

Much has been said, by professionals and nonprofessionals, about self-destructive behavior. I'm of the nonprofessional party, but that won't stop me having my say. Here it is: You want to be self destructive? Do it all the way, or don't bother with it. As Yoda in another great movie said, “Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try. ”

Like any endeavor, there is no point in taking on self destruction haphazardly. Self destruction is not a hobby, it's a way of life. The keys to good self destructive behavior are commitment, style, and enjoyment. How do I know this? From watching The Mummy. Where did I find my models? In The Mummy. Who are the best examples? Two characters from The Mummy, Jonathan and Beni. They are the antithesis of the movie's heroes. Watch their antics, and you'll see.

Jonathan is self destructive in many different ways. He's a thief and a liar. He's a coward, and he's weak. He's a drunk who pretends to be a missionary. Maybe he's just a very bad missionary. (That's got to be some sort of sin, or blasphemy, or something.) Jonathan is not nearly as successful an archaeologist as his sister Evy is, or as their parents apparently were. He even has a death wish. (Remember his wish to join the dead when he brings the key to Evy at the museum.) Jonathan has all the self destruction bases covered. But he wears natty British archaeologist chap clothes and is having a damn good time self destructing!

Then there is Beni. What can we say about Beni? One simple sentence is all that's needed to sum him up. Beni is one greedy so-and-so. His commandments seem to be: Make money any way you can and save yourself any way you can. How to make money? Swindle, any and every body. Cheat, the American treasure hunters for one. Sacrifice, your friends, your enemies, any random stranger before yourself. (“You're my only friend” he tells O'Connell. Yeah, right!) Make deals with the “devil,” in this case a powerful, lovelorn mummy. And for the CYA maneuvering? First, lie, lie, lie; to your buddy O'Connell, to your living-mummy master Imhotep. Second, cover all your bases, even if it means wearing a fistful of amulets and memorizing as many prayers to the appropriate deities. Third, run away early and often. Fourth, run away fast and far!

If you're planning to pursue self destruction as a way of life, don't look to drug-addicted actors and underpants-shunning singers for pointers. Turn to the guiding example of the scoundrels of The Mummy.

Zingers

You know that one friend of yours that always has a clever comeback for any quip? You know the one. We all have that friend with the gift of precision use of the zinger. What’s the perfect one-liner for the surly morning barista? Your buddy drops it like the coins he won’t drop into the tip jar. And the sarcastic reply to some inane question? Your pal delivers it like a sweet song from honeyed lips.

Zingers are a handy tool for urban living. See the above examples if you’re in doubt. And they’re another tool for life that I’ve learned from The Mummy. Wondering what to say to the librarian who has knocked down every bookshelf? “Compared to you, the other plagues were a joy!” Hell yeah! And after her apology? “When Ramses destroyed Syria, it was an accident. You are a catastrophe!” Why can’t I ever think of good comebacks like these!?

I love a good zinger, but I can never think of one at the right moment. Maybe it’s that strict upbringing with no “talking back.” *sigh* Something else to blame on my parents. But I digress.

One of my favorite features of The Mummy is the zingers. From the very first scenes, the movie is filled with zingers.

“My body is no longer his temple!” –Anck-su-namun
--
“Your strength gives me strength.” –Beni
--
“Have you no respect for the dead?” –Evy
“Right now, I only wish to join them.” –Jonathan
“Well I wish you’d do it sooner rather than later[...]” –Evy
--
“You lied to me!” – Evy
“I lie to everybody, what makes you so special?” –Jonathan
“I’m your sister.” –Evy
“That just makes you more gullible.” –Jonathan
--
“You’re gonna get yours, Beni! You’re gonna get yours!” –O’Connell
“Like I haven’t heard that before.” -Beni

Zingers are fun; no question about it. But sometimes you don’t need to speak to zing. Your actions can do a lot of zinging all by themselves.

“What does a woman know?” asks the Egyptologist. In response, we are shown Evy explaining all sorts of nifty tidbits to O’Connell and the rest of her treasure hunters. Asked and answered. But Evy knows so much more than those tidbits.

Regardless of the Bembridge scholars’ complaint that Evy hasn’t spent enough time in the field—a detriment swiftly remedied as the film progresses—Evy is a fount of information about ancient Egypt. Pay attention; you’ll see. Who identifies Jonathan’s find? Evy. Who gets O’Connell out of prison? Evy. (Okay, not until after he’s hanged, and the noose doesn’t snap his neck.) Whose plucky camel gets to Hamunaptra first and wins the $500 bet? Evy. (Alright, that was more luck than knowledge, but who cares?) Who thinks to dig at the foot of Anubis instead of in his chamber? Evy! Need I go on?

Is the entire film the answer to “What does a woman know?” Maybe. And that is one good zinger.

The Virtue of Patience

“Patience is a virtue!” So chants Evy in the 1999 film The Mummy after her brother Jonathan exhorts her to hurry along her search for the golden Book of the Living to stop the regenerating mummy who is after them. And I wonder, “What kind of answer is that? Hurry up, woman!”

I’ll be the first to admit that Patience and I are not friends. We’re barely acquainted. The one major thing I know about Patience is that I’m sorely lacking in it. Up to now, I have managed to gain a minuscule amount of it. I know I need it; I can identify exactly when Patience has and would do me good, but it is difficult to engage it at the right moment. I know too when Patience has been and would be useless to me; like if I were being chased by a living mummy and its mob of minions. I would not, in that crucial moment, sing jauntily: “Patience is a virtue!”

What is a virtue anyway? I turned to the ever-reliable Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary (11^th Edition) for the answer.

vir·tue \’vǝr-(͵)chü\ n [E vertu, virtu, fr. AF, fr. L virtut-, virtus

strength, manliness, virtue, fr. vir man – more at VIRILE] (13c)

1a : conformity to a standard of right: morality

b : a particular moral excellence

2 : pl an order of angels – see celestial hierarchy

3 : a beneficial quality or power of a thing

4 : manly strength or courage : valor

5 : a commendable quality or trait : merit

6 : a capacity to act : potency

7 : chastity esp. in a woman

Now, let us not get distracted by the sexist manly strength and womanly chastity. In the death-defying race against a creature bent on regenerating his mummified flesh, returning to life his centuries-dead beloved, and—oh yeah!—destroying the world, Patience is a virtue. Really! It’s “a particular moral excellence” that forces its bearer to help fight evil. And that “manly strength or courage” business? Yup, Patience is that, too. It’s even “a commendable quality or trait”! And most important in a mummy-chase situation, Patience is “a capacity to act.” When is it more important to do what’s needed than when saving your hide and all of humanity from a vengeful, not-quite-dead, very powerful mummy?

I’m with Jonathan on this one. When a mummy and his minions are closing in on you, speed is of the essence. Whether or not (cue Evy’s sing-song tone) “Patience is a virtue,” that is the time for a little haste not deliberation. Using Patience earlier would have been better, like when deciding whether to flee Egypt or defend it; or later, like when choosing to sacrifice oneself to save others.

So when is the right time to engage good ole patience in your life? Maybe the time is when you’re in line at a cashier behind a person who has apparently never written a check before. Or better yet, the time for Patience is when you grudgingly follow a car moving at 10mph below the speed limit until it approaches a yellow light and races through the intersection, leaving you smoldering at the red. You get the idea.

Patience may not always be emotionally satisfying, but I say remember how handy it is and use it... judiciously.