Of Heroes and Hotties in The Mummy

(For a certain friend of mine, for any woman measuring up a man, and for all the boys who like boys.)

Looking for a good man? Let the heroes and hotties of The Mummy help you identify him. Just ask yourself these questions about your potential hunk.

1.Is he willing to do anything whatsoever for the woman he loves?
“For his love, Imhotep dared the gods' anger by going deep into the city, where he took the Black Book of the Dead from its holy resting place.” And then “he was condemned to endure the hom-dai , the worst of all ancient curses; one so horrible it had never before been bestowed.” He risked and lost. And was then sentenced to be “an undead for all of eternity.” Now that is commitment!

2.Is he honest even to a fault?
When asked by Evy why he kissed her, O'Connell admits simply, “I was about to be hanged. It seemed like a good idea at the time.” And when Evy storms off, he's oblivious about why she is angry. You can't fault a man for being honest, can you?

3.Does he know the value of a good woman?
O'Connell very subtly admits Evy's great value when he explains to Jonathan that he probably could have gotten their camels for free by simply giving Evy to the trader. On the surface, this seems like an insult. But the look on O'Connell's face and the tone of his voice belie his true feelings.

4.Is he an old-fashioned gentleman?
Every lady wants a gentleman, whether she knows it or not, whether she notices or not.
O'Connell: You're in her seat.
Beni looks at O'Connell and chuckles.
O'Connell: Now.
Beni hops up and leaves.
Evy sits down chattering about scarab skeletons.

5.Is he brave through and through, perhaps to the point of cockiness, recklessness?
Ardeth Ray: I told you to leave or die. You refused. Now you may have killed us all. For you have unleashed the creature that we have feared for more than three thousand years.
O'Connell: Relax, I got him.
Ardeth Ray: No mortal weapon can kill this creature. He's not of this world! [...] We must now go on the hunt and try and find a way to kill him.
O'Connell: I already told you I got him.

And for extra credit:
Does he maintain his rugged good looks by keeping his teeth pearly white regardless of... anything?
I love a man of good grooming. He doesn't need to be a metrosexual, or fit any other trendy monicker. He just needs to maintain a basic level of hygiene. And the heroes and hotties of The Mummy apparently do. O'Connell, Jonathan, and Ardeth Ray cross the Sahara repeatedly, do time in a Cairo jail, deal with biblical plagues, and fight off and outwit powerful mummies, all the while complementing their handsome faces with bright white smiles.

Zingers

You know that one friend of yours that always has a clever comeback for any quip? You know the one. We all have that friend with the gift of precision use of the zinger. What’s the perfect one-liner for the surly morning barista? Your buddy drops it like the coins he won’t drop into the tip jar. And the sarcastic reply to some inane question? Your pal delivers it like a sweet song from honeyed lips.

Zingers are a handy tool for urban living. See the above examples if you’re in doubt. And they’re another tool for life that I’ve learned from The Mummy. Wondering what to say to the librarian who has knocked down every bookshelf? “Compared to you, the other plagues were a joy!” Hell yeah! And after her apology? “When Ramses destroyed Syria, it was an accident. You are a catastrophe!” Why can’t I ever think of good comebacks like these!?

I love a good zinger, but I can never think of one at the right moment. Maybe it’s that strict upbringing with no “talking back.” *sigh* Something else to blame on my parents. But I digress.

One of my favorite features of The Mummy is the zingers. From the very first scenes, the movie is filled with zingers.

“My body is no longer his temple!” –Anck-su-namun
--
“Your strength gives me strength.” –Beni
--
“Have you no respect for the dead?” –Evy
“Right now, I only wish to join them.” –Jonathan
“Well I wish you’d do it sooner rather than later[...]” –Evy
--
“You lied to me!” – Evy
“I lie to everybody, what makes you so special?” –Jonathan
“I’m your sister.” –Evy
“That just makes you more gullible.” –Jonathan
--
“You’re gonna get yours, Beni! You’re gonna get yours!” –O’Connell
“Like I haven’t heard that before.” -Beni

Zingers are fun; no question about it. But sometimes you don’t need to speak to zing. Your actions can do a lot of zinging all by themselves.

“What does a woman know?” asks the Egyptologist. In response, we are shown Evy explaining all sorts of nifty tidbits to O’Connell and the rest of her treasure hunters. Asked and answered. But Evy knows so much more than those tidbits.

Regardless of the Bembridge scholars’ complaint that Evy hasn’t spent enough time in the field—a detriment swiftly remedied as the film progresses—Evy is a fount of information about ancient Egypt. Pay attention; you’ll see. Who identifies Jonathan’s find? Evy. Who gets O’Connell out of prison? Evy. (Okay, not until after he’s hanged, and the noose doesn’t snap his neck.) Whose plucky camel gets to Hamunaptra first and wins the $500 bet? Evy. (Alright, that was more luck than knowledge, but who cares?) Who thinks to dig at the foot of Anubis instead of in his chamber? Evy! Need I go on?

Is the entire film the answer to “What does a woman know?” Maybe. And that is one good zinger.