Sunday, September 26, 2010

Either You're In, or You're Out

Much has been said, by professionals and nonprofessionals, about self-destructive behavior. I'm of the nonprofessional party, but that won't stop me having my say. Here it is: You want to be self destructive? Do it all the way, or don't bother with it. As Yoda in another great movie said, “Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try. ”

Like any endeavor, there is no point in taking on self destruction haphazardly. Self destruction is not a hobby, it's a way of life. The keys to good self destructive behavior are commitment, style, and enjoyment. How do I know this? From watching The Mummy. Where did I find my models? In The Mummy. Who are the best examples? Two characters from The Mummy, Jonathan and Beni. They are the antithesis of the movie's heroes. Watch their antics, and you'll see.

Jonathan is self destructive in many different ways. He's a thief and a liar. He's a coward, and he's weak. He's a drunk who pretends to be a missionary. Maybe he's just a very bad missionary. (That's got to be some sort of sin, or blasphemy, or something.) Jonathan is not nearly as successful an archaeologist as his sister Evy is, or as their parents apparently were. He even has a death wish. (Remember his wish to join the dead when he brings the key to Evy at the museum.) Jonathan has all the self destruction bases covered. But he wears natty British archaeologist chap clothes and is having a damn good time self destructing!

Then there is Beni. What can we say about Beni? One simple sentence is all that's needed to sum him up. Beni is one greedy so-and-so. His commandments seem to be: Make money any way you can and save yourself any way you can. How to make money? Swindle, any and every body. Cheat, the American treasure hunters for one. Sacrifice, your friends, your enemies, any random stranger before yourself. (“You're my only friend” he tells O'Connell. Yeah, right!) Make deals with the “devil,” in this case a powerful, lovelorn mummy. And for the CYA maneuvering? First, lie, lie, lie; to your buddy O'Connell, to your living-mummy master Imhotep. Second, cover all your bases, even if it means wearing a fistful of amulets and memorizing as many prayers to the appropriate deities. Third, run away early and often. Fourth, run away fast and far!

If you're planning to pursue self destruction as a way of life, don't look to drug-addicted actors and underpants-shunning singers for pointers. Turn to the guiding example of the scoundrels of The Mummy.

2 comments:

  1. Hey! What about the old British pilot?! :-)

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  2. I love this post! This one's my fave! It's so practical, so hands-on-hips! And it manages to conjure up The (old) Mummy for me, a movie I've not seen in (dating self)...about forty years! Thanks, Gess!

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